November Personal Post

Losing half a leg.  Do you know the trauma your mind and body go through?  When watching Television, they portray it, as if, it happens in minutes.  But in real life, it doesn’t happen like that.  It takes a few months.  Well, in my case, it is still happening.  Everyone is different.  I suppose if we were all the same, we would be bored with each other.  You find out who your true friends are.  They come and visit, they keep in touch.  Also, you as a person; emotionally, you go through different emotions.  I don’t think I have cried so much in my entire life.

In hospital, before the amputation, you are matter of fact about what you need to do.  But once you come out the operating theatre and you see that part of your leg is gone, that is a different story and the pain – well now! Wow, it was sore.  You live on pain killers and Panado.

The Physio comes to see you, but they are unsympathetic. You just need to get out of bed to the wheelchair even though you haven’t used your good leg in 6 weeks or so.  But you must stand and move to the wheelchair.  That part was terrible, but now your good leg is feeling wobbly and they are not listening to you.  They assist you in standing but your leg gives way and you end up on the floor; shaking and embarrassed as you think this is it – you are sleeping on the floor.  Will I ever get up and get back onto the bed again?  Every time you have physio now you end up on the floor.  So, you get a complex.  You don’t trust Physio’s now.

But guess what? You are released from hospital.  It takes them 3 days to eventually release you.  But you leave.  It takes about 3 hours to get into the car, drive home, get out of the car and then eventually your bed.  But you are home now, and you cry with relief.

You are happy, but in pain as well.  You think about things and you start to realise that you have part of your leg missing.  Your reality is your bed and the bedroom.  Your safety blanket is the bed and room.  People come to visit and help you forget that you have half a leg missing.  But you must face reality sometime and you start accepting that you have half a limb missing.  People start putting pressure on you.  Yes, this is a good thing, but everyone needs to accept things in their own time.  Not your time or anyone else’s time; but your time.  The hardest days are when you have hardly slept at all because you have thought about life and how you are going to cope with your balance and trying to walk or hop or whatever until you get a prosthetic.  You try and put on a brave face and sometimes you fool people and they think that you are doing fine.  Meanwhile, you are panicking inside thinking how life, as you know it, is going to change big time.

Life, really as you know it, will and has changed.  Also, people who haven’t been through it don’t understand what it is to be unbalanced.  You have 2 legs – I don’t.  I have the bottom half missing; the one that is supposed to extend to the floor.  Your whole outlook has changed.  You are totally out of balance with everything.  Don’t get me wrong, I will get through this, but I just need time to get myself and my body back into balance because believe me, being out of balance physically and mentally is not nice.  I am not trying to sugar coat it.  I am being honest with you and myself while typing this.  I have always hated to be judged and now I am being judged with how long I am taking to get up and running again, so to speak.  Do you really think that I like being in one room and on my bed the whole day; 24 hours, 7 days a week?  Being totally dependent on other people to feed you and bring you stuff.  Waiting for your nappy to be changed.  Waiting for people to come visit.  Trying to watch everything under the sun on your laptop.  Television and Netflix and Showmax.  This is your reality.  But wait a minute – I decide I can use my time wisely… I start to study.  I congratulate myself because up to this point, I have done 4 certificates.  Well done to me!  Wow, this is a small victory.  For someone who didn’t study in school – yes, I admit it.  I never studied at school… do I regret it now? Yes, I do.  But I can’t change the past, nor do I want to.  I did it to myself and no one else did it to me.  I fell yes, I fell but I truly didn’t expect to have the lower half of my leg amputated.  Yes, I am repeating it and I am repeating it to myself, so I can accept it.  Believe me, I am not blaming anyone else but myself and oh, my shoes.  I was wearing slip slops.  I wouldn’t recommend wearing these to anyone by the way.

Enough about that.  I now have another Physio who is wonderful, and she challenges me every time she comes here.  Yes, she comes to the house.  Wonderful.  She gives me exercises to do and I find that I am thoroughly enjoying them.  Yes, I am saying that; enjoying doing the exercises and this is helping the mind as well.  I am getting my fix from exercises now and not sweets and chips.  Wonderful feeling.

This is my personal blog and just actually wanted to Communicate yes Communicate what is happening in my life now.

Chat soon.

As Ellen always says, “Be kind to one another”.